Sex Exposed

Passionate moans, screaming names, scratches down his back. The lamp has gotten in the way several times over and as a result has met an untimely death on the bedroom floor. Finally, her climax is met with she-wolf screams which surely scare the crap out of the neighbours kid; she has climaxed, orgasmed, came, and sang on the mountain top. Now, after watching movies- surely made by men, depicting this other-worldly response to an ‘O’, I am left wondering: how can I ever compare to that?!

Hollywood has brainwashed us! Ya, that’s right; brainwashed us. How many men and women have watched an episode of Sex and The City and thought that they could never amount to facilitating or delivering one of Samantha’s over-the-top orgasm’s? This is not a common conversation out of a relationship- confessing your fear of thinking that your partner may not truly be satisfied. But does this kind of satisfaction exist? Can the everyday orgasm be surpassed daily? Weekly? Annually? Ever? The answer is… yes and no. Sorry for the confusion.

A woman’s body is complicated. Much more complicated than a man’s. Firstly, an orgasm starts in her head (so does seduction by the way…). We always have a million thoughts going through our heads- not nearly as exciting as what we could be thinking about…but thoughts none the less. Part of the big ‘O’ secret is concentrating on the now. Think about it- exclusively and you’re almost there. I practice mental degredation- seriously! I tell myself to shut up and I push out my thoughts on what I forgot on my grocery list… ten seconds later and I put a smack down on my internal alarm reminding me that I have to put clothes in the dryer.

Now? Position. Every woman’s got one- that sure bet. Of course, every position has it’s angle and she has to know that too.

Don’t forget a cooperative partner. This is the be-it and end-all. There’s nothing worse than finding that spot, working on it, and having your partner start moving on a groove all of his own! Let the woman work people!!! May I recommend yelling at them to stop moving? ; )  …well, perhaps that’s too harsh. Be direct, aka: “stop moving”. Simple yet straight to the point.

Toys! Yes, that’s right; toys. A vibrator can work wonders when your body just doesn’t seem to respond to anything else. And yes, this is normal. Women have crazy hormones that change and demand different kinds of attention around our cycles. Sometimes, it is IMPOSSIBLE to cum! This is ok too. Enjoy the moment. Understand that for a lady, it doesn’t always happen. If both of you are present in the moment and are Ken’s to each other’s Barbies (circa 1982- before Ken came out) then -all is well and both are happy. Whether you end with a Samantha- climax, a regular one, or just some nice orgasmless sex, all is still well in the universe. After some post-coital cuddle time, you- like me, are free to finish your laundry and look forward to the next sexy-time.

Be well and be a giver ; )

People are always going on and on about the limits on sloppy seconds- that is, on dating someone who has happened to have a past. I always thought this was absurd personally, but lets take a look at what truly should be the limits between circle-dating:

What is this? Seriously, “what is this?” Are you semi-interested because of boredom? …good looks? …fat pay cheque? …did you hear they’re great in the sack? WHAT IS THIS? Intention is always the truth behind any situation no matter what the action! …remember this 😉

If there is genuine interest because the thought or sight of them makes you feel like butterflies are getting a ride ON a rollercoaster IN your belly, then you can move on to question two.

Is there any bad blood? In the words of Oasis, “Whats the story Morning Glory?”  Did this adorable creature rip your friend’s heart out and spit on it when they were done? Did they cheat, steal, maim, or plunder? ( yes, I’m aware that a few of those words mean the same thing… but, aren’t they just fabulous?!). This is a character question. We all have the capability of being less-than-nice but character always shows through. If your would-be-love has acted like a dirty rotten scoundrel, chances are they will do it again to you. Furthermore, is hurting your friend and possibly ruining your friendship worth a little wayward interest? I don’t think so.

Now, for those once in a lifetime needs that bring you to cross the line upon taking a friends ex, one word : Tact. Write it, practice it, confront them with it. Be kind. Depending on the depth of their past relationship, it can be hard to move past this “betrayal”. Even if it was one date, you need to have a kind conversation with them beforehand…not after. While going on one date could seem harmless to you this could equal a loss of trust between your friend and yourself.

Now, to my personal take:

“Be kind, rewind”

“Another man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Basically, I believe that good men should be shared! I’m not talking menage-a-trois, I’m merely pointing out that if it didn’t work out between me and an amazing guy doesn’t mean that it can’t work out between him and my friend… I encourage it! I even try to set up my exes with my friends. If it was a deep love with a lot of scars however, tie me up… give me a shot of something calm… call the cops before I end up in jail! Kidding… well, kinda 😉

We’ve all heard angry rejection stories from those who just can’t read signals. The fact is that most of these stories come from men. Why? Well, it could be a couple reasons…

1) Men just approach more often. They tend to make the first move.

2) Men aren’t as good at reading body language as women are.

These are both right. Men have been socialized to act first- to be the aggressor. I myself never fell into the timid woman category- which is probably why I’m writing this blog to begin with! Women are also classified to be better between the sexes at communicating. We are master communicators with all kinds of “secret” unspoken words to send messages to each other and, quite frankly, this confuses the hell out of men. In the world of meeting, dating, love, and sex, communication is always key to getting to the next level. But, lets get down to the basics; we’ve all heard the complaints from that one guy friend we have about how some b*tch made him feel like a loser. Well, lol, rejection doesn’t feel awesome but it’s how you read the situation while it’s happening and how you react that truly makes you a loser. Most of these “loser” friends tell stories in scenarios where they approach a woman… try to engage in conversation and ultimately she ends this conversation. Not a terribly complicated scenario is it? And, in most cases, the “she” does not deserve to be called the big “B”-word. What I normally do when I’m faced with the world is ending rants like “there are no more good girls/guys!”, “All men are scum!”, or the ever-classy “All women are gold-diggers!” comments is outline a few facts to try to urge this rooftop-yelper towards the next big boy/big girl step of life.  My workbook goes as follows:

How did it start?

-Were there multiple points of eye contact?

No? They weren’t interested.

-Did they squirm or in any way, shape or form try to remove themselves from your stare or proximity?

If the answer is yes, they weren’t interested.

-When you engaged them in conversation did they look away or around more than once?

If this answer is yes then they avoided eye contact with you in the first place, or they never made any at all. They probably even tried to run from you in some way shape or form!Did they head in the direction of the ladies room? Point made. Furthermore, they were looking around in this step because they are either too embarrassed to be speaking with you, they are uncomfortable in rejecting you, they are looking for someone they may be interested in or looking for a friend for help, or finally, last but definitely the absolute cake topper: they are searching the room for their significant other who will definitely be embarrassing you in a couple of minutes!

The kiss

If you want to kiss them and they are doing any of the above, ABORT ABORT!!

There you have it; signals to live by…or die by, I mean, be embarrassed by.

Generally, a how-to guide provides step by step instructions on what to do. A sex how-to guide does not do the same. Such a presumption that everyone likes the same stuff won’t just get you rejected- it can get you slapped, court ordered, and, in the worst possible scenario, arrested. So, let’s be honest, I’m not necessarily gonna like what you like- and the same visa versa! This means (and this is very important!!), forget what your ex liked and come up with a new game plan!

And so my darlings, take a deep breath and remember these words… for they will be chapter 1 in your Sex 101 Bible:

“All firsts require “gentlemanly/gentlewomanly” behaviour”

Meaning: If you haven’t already done it once, take the slow and steady approach to win the race. Do NOT, and I mean, DO NOT, jump the gun.