Sex Exposed

Just the fear it evokes can be enough of a reason to avoid discussion of it completely. You’ve got it: marriage =P

While it is true that it is a romantic ideal… to meet that perfect someone who EVERYTHING works perfectly with…you marry and live happily ever after…

The reality is… that that is far and few in-between. Marriage is not what it used to be… that is a good thing. Today we have choices. Our options run from everything in who we date, contraceptives, what we wear, being single, having sex! …Now these may not seem like a big deal- but they are! People are being killed for making any of these decisions in places around the world today. Which is maybe why so many of us are waiting to get married…not getting married…even divorcing!

Why does the “M” word evoke fear??? Well… it’s the fear of what WILL BE. Men and women both worry about how it will change their relationship; will sex be boring and awful? Will the romance be lost? Will he/she shit with the door open?…Which then begs the questions: When is it ok to fart infront of your partner? Is there a quotient? Per day? Per week? Per HOUR??? But, the worst and most haunting fear there is, is… Will I find someone better?

Don’t cringe… you know you’ve thought about it too! And… what’s worse is that it is a perfectly valid thought… and the stats are that YES, you probably will or can find someone better. With over 30 million people in Canada… and over 7 billion in the world… chances are that the “love of your life”- who is probably 1 out of only 30 or so people you’ve dated throughout the years… is not best-suited for you.

So then, I ask: why do people get married?

It comes down to many things… kids. I’m impartial to them myself but some people are crazy to gain the weight, lose sleep, clean shitty-asses that aren’t their own, undergo financial losses, and put themselves and their partners last simply because there is not enough time in the day….

Financial stability. Life is hard. We live in a capitalist society where feudalism is ALIVE! We pay the government to loan land which is never really ours… we pay for food… water…everything. Having a partner lightens the load and the pressure.

The fantasy. Many marry for the fantasy of pure true love…the nuclear family dream. They may not truly even love you… just the dream of it all. The partner, the house, the cottage, the snot-nosed kids, the golden retriever… These are the most dangerous of individuals because they will never be satisfied and they will never stick by through a life of reality; life is full of ups and downs and real people with imperfections. Count them off as a write-off and move on…

The ring, the wedding, the pressure… awful or great- depending on the way you look at it. The fact of the matter is that everyone has their own expectations and dreams and it usually comes down to the squeekier wheel getting the grease 😉

Getting married shouldn’t be a compromise; It should be a desire. With that being said, it IS a contract. A contract which protects your future. People ruin things with decisions and attitudes- they can also make them awesome. Marriage is a commitment of time- not a commitment of happiness.

The “M” word evokes fear- and justly so, because you never know how it’s going to go!

We all know that crazy, intoxicating, obsessed fascination that occurs when you like someone…errr, when you LOVE someone. But what happens when you or a friend are complaining about every little request… every bitch…every rant… or every aspect of your someone’s life?? I’ll tell you what happens; bitching. That’s right: bitching. We all have our bitchy days- be us men our women. Our crankiness could be from our lack of sleep…lack of alcohol, our asshole boss or… you name it; anything. When this bitching lasts more than a day and is on repeat then the fact that is desired to be avoided is that: you’re just not into them. That’s right, write it down and say it out loud. “I am just not into them”. People try so hard to convince themselves that they will get over the constant criticizing, but they won’t. You won’t and I won’t. The problem with people is that they are scared to be a “single” and lose their two-some status. I have no idea why.

Love is fabulous. Being excited about a relationship is fabulous also- but, it won’t make or break you. You will not meet your perfect someone while you’re connected to someone else. Call it the universe, your body chemicals, or the way you act… But you will never move onward and upward to Act number 2 if you’re still stuck on the ending of number 1. Call your unhappiness what it is- “the end”! There are a ton of people in the world who can make you both blissful or miserable but you’ll never find either if you’re still tucked in your safe house having sex with the same old fart who every time they kiss you you pucker up closed lips hoping TO GOD that they won’t slip you the tongue! You know- that person who every time they try to hold your hand you cringe wondering why the texture is so dry or slimy or just… unexplainably gross! …Your Mr or Miss Gross IS actually somebody’s Mr/Miss Wonderful. So, let them find them… and open yourself up to find your wonderful as well. Even if the sex is amazing- walk away…you’ll find that again, I promise. The amazing thing is that eventually you’ll find even more than life altering amazing sex; you’ll find someone who regardless of the requests… night drooling.. or even, pee on the toilet seat… it won’t bother you a bit( for the first little while anyway ; ) )

Call it Dunzo and give your friend’s ears a rest. The bitching is getting old.                      …feel free to pass this on and give your friends a subtle hint. It might even work.

Yes, “the whip-out”. If you are a woman, chances are you’ve fallen prey to this logically unlawful move; If you are a man, you may be part of the 70% or so that has pulled this obnoxious stunt. What am I talking about? Just as the title forebodes… whipping it out in all manly-glory in hopes that your “victim” becomes SO overcome with lust and so engrossly impassioned that she takes hold and proves that porno’s are real. Well, I’m sorry to say (not really) that NO! Porno’s are not real. The most likely result in this scenario is that the appalled female participant will NOT be a participant any longer in the sick world that men like Larry Flynt have created in magazine and film and leave- possibly right after creating a can of whoop-ass on your dirty presumptuous ass! For some reason, many men think this move will cement them to the next round but, in lady language this screams: “You are a slut and by revealing my manhood I will get sexual gratification. It is ALL ABOUT ME!” -Yes, this is the literal translation. Men really are from Mars and Women Venus. When a woman thinks, she see’s in global spectrum; When a man thinks, he thinks directly in front and with blinders. A move like this doesn’t necessarily warrant a permanent run in the opposite direction. His attitude and actions in all areas should be assessed to decide if he in himself is a negative lifestyle.

My advice?

Review all relevant information like how he treats you and how he makes you feel before throwing in the towel. Remember: Men are not from our planet of conscious and considerate actions… an honest and slightly irrate reaction can go a long way to usher him back to earth.  😉

Passionate moans, screaming names, scratches down his back. The lamp has gotten in the way several times over and as a result has met an untimely death on the bedroom floor. Finally, her climax is met with she-wolf screams which surely scare the crap out of the neighbours kid; she has climaxed, orgasmed, came, and sang on the mountain top. Now, after watching movies- surely made by men, depicting this other-worldly response to an ‘O’, I am left wondering: how can I ever compare to that?!

Hollywood has brainwashed us! Ya, that’s right; brainwashed us. How many men and women have watched an episode of Sex and The City and thought that they could never amount to facilitating or delivering one of Samantha’s over-the-top orgasm’s? This is not a common conversation out of a relationship- confessing your fear of thinking that your partner may not truly be satisfied. But does this kind of satisfaction exist? Can the everyday orgasm be surpassed daily? Weekly? Annually? Ever? The answer is… yes and no. Sorry for the confusion.

A woman’s body is complicated. Much more complicated than a man’s. Firstly, an orgasm starts in her head (so does seduction by the way…). We always have a million thoughts going through our heads- not nearly as exciting as what we could be thinking about…but thoughts none the less. Part of the big ‘O’ secret is concentrating on the now. Think about it- exclusively and you’re almost there. I practice mental degredation- seriously! I tell myself to shut up and I push out my thoughts on what I forgot on my grocery list… ten seconds later and I put a smack down on my internal alarm reminding me that I have to put clothes in the dryer.

Now? Position. Every woman’s got one- that sure bet. Of course, every position has it’s angle and she has to know that too.

Don’t forget a cooperative partner. This is the be-it and end-all. There’s nothing worse than finding that spot, working on it, and having your partner start moving on a groove all of his own! Let the woman work people!!! May I recommend yelling at them to stop moving? ; )  …well, perhaps that’s too harsh. Be direct, aka: “stop moving”. Simple yet straight to the point.

Toys! Yes, that’s right; toys. A vibrator can work wonders when your body just doesn’t seem to respond to anything else. And yes, this is normal. Women have crazy hormones that change and demand different kinds of attention around our cycles. Sometimes, it is IMPOSSIBLE to cum! This is ok too. Enjoy the moment. Understand that for a lady, it doesn’t always happen. If both of you are present in the moment and are Ken’s to each other’s Barbies (circa 1982- before Ken came out) then -all is well and both are happy. Whether you end with a Samantha- climax, a regular one, or just some nice orgasmless sex, all is still well in the universe. After some post-coital cuddle time, you- like me, are free to finish your laundry and look forward to the next sexy-time.

Be well and be a giver ; )

People are always going on and on about the limits on sloppy seconds- that is, on dating someone who has happened to have a past. I always thought this was absurd personally, but lets take a look at what truly should be the limits between circle-dating:

What is this? Seriously, “what is this?” Are you semi-interested because of boredom? …good looks? …fat pay cheque? …did you hear they’re great in the sack? WHAT IS THIS? Intention is always the truth behind any situation no matter what the action! …remember this 😉

If there is genuine interest because the thought or sight of them makes you feel like butterflies are getting a ride ON a rollercoaster IN your belly, then you can move on to question two.

Is there any bad blood? In the words of Oasis, “Whats the story Morning Glory?”  Did this adorable creature rip your friend’s heart out and spit on it when they were done? Did they cheat, steal, maim, or plunder? ( yes, I’m aware that a few of those words mean the same thing… but, aren’t they just fabulous?!). This is a character question. We all have the capability of being less-than-nice but character always shows through. If your would-be-love has acted like a dirty rotten scoundrel, chances are they will do it again to you. Furthermore, is hurting your friend and possibly ruining your friendship worth a little wayward interest? I don’t think so.

Now, for those once in a lifetime needs that bring you to cross the line upon taking a friends ex, one word : Tact. Write it, practice it, confront them with it. Be kind. Depending on the depth of their past relationship, it can be hard to move past this “betrayal”. Even if it was one date, you need to have a kind conversation with them beforehand…not after. While going on one date could seem harmless to you this could equal a loss of trust between your friend and yourself.

Now, to my personal take:

“Be kind, rewind”

“Another man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Basically, I believe that good men should be shared! I’m not talking menage-a-trois, I’m merely pointing out that if it didn’t work out between me and an amazing guy doesn’t mean that it can’t work out between him and my friend… I encourage it! I even try to set up my exes with my friends. If it was a deep love with a lot of scars however, tie me up… give me a shot of something calm… call the cops before I end up in jail! Kidding… well, kinda 😉

We’ve all heard angry rejection stories from those who just can’t read signals. The fact is that most of these stories come from men. Why? Well, it could be a couple reasons…

1) Men just approach more often. They tend to make the first move.

2) Men aren’t as good at reading body language as women are.

These are both right. Men have been socialized to act first- to be the aggressor. I myself never fell into the timid woman category- which is probably why I’m writing this blog to begin with! Women are also classified to be better between the sexes at communicating. We are master communicators with all kinds of “secret” unspoken words to send messages to each other and, quite frankly, this confuses the hell out of men. In the world of meeting, dating, love, and sex, communication is always key to getting to the next level. But, lets get down to the basics; we’ve all heard the complaints from that one guy friend we have about how some b*tch made him feel like a loser. Well, lol, rejection doesn’t feel awesome but it’s how you read the situation while it’s happening and how you react that truly makes you a loser. Most of these “loser” friends tell stories in scenarios where they approach a woman… try to engage in conversation and ultimately she ends this conversation. Not a terribly complicated scenario is it? And, in most cases, the “she” does not deserve to be called the big “B”-word. What I normally do when I’m faced with the world is ending rants like “there are no more good girls/guys!”, “All men are scum!”, or the ever-classy “All women are gold-diggers!” comments is outline a few facts to try to urge this rooftop-yelper towards the next big boy/big girl step of life.  My workbook goes as follows:

How did it start?

-Were there multiple points of eye contact?

No? They weren’t interested.

-Did they squirm or in any way, shape or form try to remove themselves from your stare or proximity?

If the answer is yes, they weren’t interested.

-When you engaged them in conversation did they look away or around more than once?

If this answer is yes then they avoided eye contact with you in the first place, or they never made any at all. They probably even tried to run from you in some way shape or form!Did they head in the direction of the ladies room? Point made. Furthermore, they were looking around in this step because they are either too embarrassed to be speaking with you, they are uncomfortable in rejecting you, they are looking for someone they may be interested in or looking for a friend for help, or finally, last but definitely the absolute cake topper: they are searching the room for their significant other who will definitely be embarrassing you in a couple of minutes!

The kiss

If you want to kiss them and they are doing any of the above, ABORT ABORT!!

There you have it; signals to live by…or die by, I mean, be embarrassed by.

Generally, a how-to guide provides step by step instructions on what to do. A sex how-to guide does not do the same. Such a presumption that everyone likes the same stuff won’t just get you rejected- it can get you slapped, court ordered, and, in the worst possible scenario, arrested. So, let’s be honest, I’m not necessarily gonna like what you like- and the same visa versa! This means (and this is very important!!), forget what your ex liked and come up with a new game plan!

And so my darlings, take a deep breath and remember these words… for they will be chapter 1 in your Sex 101 Bible:

“All firsts require “gentlemanly/gentlewomanly” behaviour”

Meaning: If you haven’t already done it once, take the slow and steady approach to win the race. Do NOT, and I mean, DO NOT, jump the gun.